The 9 Worst Issues to Say to Somebody Getting Divorced

When a pair will get divorced, everybody of their orbit is affected—not simply the 2 folks whose “I do” was “I do not.” And boy, does that crowd have one thing to say about it. Some persons are so shocked that they’ll’t restrain their nosiness. Others worry divorce is contagious and can occur to them subsequent. And plenty of others, well-intentioned although they could be, are filled with unsolicited recommendation.

We requested consultants—and a divorcee from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives—to share the worst issues to say to somebody who’s getting divorced, plus which phrases truly assist.

“What occurred?”

If you’re speaking to somebody who simply shared information about their divorce, contemplate whether or not what you’re saying is in your sake or for the great of the affected social gathering. This widespread query, for instance, is “extra about your curiosity, and never a lot about your compassion,” says Andrea Hipps, a divorce coach and creator of The Finest Worst Time of Your Life. It’s particularly tough as a result of “there’s infrequently a singular motive for what occurred,” she says. “The whole lot and nothing occurred.”

But folks typically gravitate towards this question due to a need to guard their very own marriage. It’s nearly like saying: “If it will probably occur to you, it might occur to me,” Hipps factors out, “so inform me all of the issues that occurred so I can keep away from them.”

Hipps prefers supporting your good friend by saying: “Thanks for bringing me in on this tough information. I’ll watch out with it.” One other strategy: “That is a lot—your thoughts have to be spinning.” Your good friend will perceive that in the event that they wish to open up, you’re there, however they’ll achieve this at their very own tempo.

“However you guys had been so completely happy!”

Individuals not often broadcast their marital issues—your folks aren’t going to subject a public service announcement that Brian flirted with the babysitter and Joan can’t stand to be round him. Protesting {that a} newly break up couple regarded just like the very definition of marital bliss is “so cringy,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Honest Oaks, Calif. Nonetheless, she acknowledges it comes from a very good place: “We’re determined to assist folks really feel higher, so we frequently say issues with out being considerate about it,” she says. “However mentioning how completely happy they appeared isn’t useful. It’s extra of a voyeuristic factor: ‘I’m so shocked. Assist me with my emotions,’ as a substitute of the opposite method round, the place we must be supportive of them.”

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As an alternative, supply a heartfelt praise. Kimberly Miller, a household legislation legal professional and licensed marriage and household therapist, suggests saying: “You probably did what was best for you—and that’s by no means straightforward. I love your power.”

“At the very least you’ll get break day from the children!”

Layla Taylor, who stars on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, received divorced in 2023. She shares two youngsters along with her ex. The post-divorce remark that bothered her probably the most—and that she nonetheless will get to today—is from folks discovering the so-called silver lining of sharing custody: “At the very least you co-parent and get to have break day from the children!”

“My greatest nightmare isn’t having my youngsters one year a 12 months and each single vacation,” she says. “That is the alternative of what I need.”

A supportive good friend, alternatively, shared a number of easy phrases that follow Taylor to today: “Simply because your life is beginning over, doesn’t imply your life is over.” “That helped me quite a bit, as a result of you’ll be able to have a look at it very negatively, however you may also have a look at it as a recent begin the place you are capable of meet anyone which may be aligned with you higher, otherwise you’re capable of simply spend time with your self and get to know your self on a extra private degree,” she says. “It’s a good looking factor to have the ability to begin over once more.”

“I’m so sorry.”

This widespread sentiment doesn’t at all times land effectively. Saying you’re sorry “communicates pity,” Hipps says. “It assumes it’s tragic—after they may be like, ‘You realize what, that is the healthiest factor I might do to create security or a greater future for me and my household.’”

As an alternative, Hipps likes saying: “I can’t think about what you’re going by way of, however understanding you, you’re going to drag by way of it with a lot grace.” 

Love opts for this line: “You’re a tremendous individual with a number of love left to present.” 

“I prefer it as a result of it’s strength-based,” she says. “You’re sharing issues that you simply see and love about them, and that is what they should hear. They should hear what they convey to the desk—that may make them really feel actually good within the mindset of rejection and ache.”

“You simply must get on the market and begin relationship once more, and then you definately’ll really feel higher!”

Taylor obtained every kind of suggestions about her relationship decisions post-split. Some folks informed her to take time to heal first; others pushed her to get again on the market. On reflection, she says she believes she might have jumped into the relationship pool earlier than she was totally prepared, however that it helped her work out extra about what she was searching for.

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As an alternative of setting your good friend up, deal with methods you’ll be able to present up and assist them, particularly should you suspect they’re lonely. Taylor defaults to isolation throughout powerful instances and appreciated when folks requested her to go for a drive, seize espresso or a drink, or order-take out and watch TV. “Having folks round you makes you are feeling such as you’re much less alone,” she says.

“You want my legal professional.”

Each divorce is “distinctive and messy in its very personal method,” Hipps says. The legal professional who labored wonders for you won’t be the very best match in your good friend, relying on their particular wants. Plus, “It assumes an adversarial course of, after they may be electing to do various dispute decision choices.”

Hipps says it’s higher to broach the topic like this: “Are you feeling well-resourced? Do you may have good consultants strolling with you proper now? I’d be completely happy to share some, however provided that it appears like the correct time for you.” That method, you received’t make them second-guess themselves in the event that they’re already assembled a plan and a crew.

“However what concerning the youngsters?”

There’s nearly no likelihood your divorcing pals did not labor over their choice—worrying about their youngsters’ well-being above all else. Suggesting in any other case is “rubbing salt within the wound,” Love says. “It comes throughout as judgmental and condescending, and that is not what anyone wants.”

Your good friend would possibly choose to listen to you say that you simply perceive why they’re hurting or can sense how betrayed they’re. That method, she says, you are validating their ache whereas demonstrating that you simply’re there to hear and assist them. 

“It’s higher than staying in a foul marriage.”

This assertion is problematic for various causes. Your good friend may need felt like they had been in an important marriage, Miller factors out, and are deeply grieving the lack of that actuality. “The whole lot round divorce is extra difficult and extra nuanced than you understand from the skin,” she says, so it is a good suggestion to keep away from being over-simplistic. “Any time you are turning it right into a dichotomy—it is both you keep otherwise you depart, and it is good to depart and it is unhealthy to remain—it’s by no means that clear.”

A greater strategy, she provides, is to make it clear you are not going wherever: “Nonetheless you’re feeling proper now could be OK. I’m right here to assist you, no expectations.” Or put a slight spin on it: “This have to be extremely exhausting—I hope you are giving your self permission to really feel no matter comes up.”

“I by no means appreciated them anyway.”

Your intentions are absolutely good: You need your good friend to know you’re on their facet. However this sort of remark “implies they’d unhealthy judgment,” Hipps says. “It might make them really feel extra alone or clueless.” Individuals getting divorced are likely to reexamine the previous, questioning which elements had been actual and what they imagined, and that is a straightforward method so as to add to the chaos swirling round their thoughts.

As an alternative, assist them by saying: “I do know you probably did every part to make your marriage work, even when it was tough.” Make it some extent to supply to lighten their load in particular methods, too, Hipps advises: Inform your good friend you may have two hours that weekend only for them, and may also help them dangle footage of their new home or check out the damaged washer. That method, they do not must ask.